dear J
i feel like you're with me
i think of you most everyday
i wish you were here to join in-
sometimes when i think of you i get the most vivid sensation of a bristly kiss-
all randomness and joy,
sweaty and silly and fantastic

i love you always babe xxx

small things that cheer me up

blowing bubbles with gum (only recently possible again:)

making food with friends (especially gremlin, since mr s thinks i am harpy, ooops)

doing 10km on the rowing machine

watching the view from primrose hill

spicy food

my first chocolate in about ten months (booja booja!!!!)

A good relationship is like fireworks: loud, explosive, and liable to maim you if you hold on too long.

-Jeph Jacques

I'm not certain about the 'good' part, but certain that this relationship was fiery, and that perhaps it's a good thing if I concentrate on letting go.

I'm sorry that you think this is a game.

I don't know that I've ever been so hurt. It was almost impossibly hard to see you.
I felt as though you'd torn me inside out. When you left me I didn't even realise you were leaving me. I was in shock for weeks. I still can't stop crying- I just don't do it with everyone watching.
It's been so long since I was open and trusted anyone, but I trusted you. I thought we knew each other. I tried so hard. I wanted things to be ok.The things you said, I believed them all and I really thought things would be ok: you said they would.

I felt that was my only chance to be happy with someone because you accepted me, and I tried real hard to take care of you and show you my feelings. It's been so long, I had begun to have hope. But you left, and I'm really trying hard to cope.

This is not fun. I am not playing.

It's the hardest thing of all for me not to go backward, to be the person I was before, the oblivion is appealing.Self denial is tempting. I want to turn it all off and return to being cold, detached. But I'm trying to hang tight to things I had, things we had, stuff I might've learned. To hold on to the idea that one day it might be possible to be open again. But right now I am impossibly raw, I still can't come to terms with the knowledge that things will not be ok, that we will never be ok.

I can't imagine quite how to stay good, and not to bring down the shutters and close the world out. I want to stay soft and if that makes me vulnerable then I don't care, but it fucking hurts.

I'm sorry I don't live up to expectations, but I am totally broken.

Life Doesn't Frighten Me. by Maya Angelo

Shadows on the wall
Noises down the hail
Life doesn’t frighten me at all
Bad dogs barking loud
Big ghosts in a cloud
Life doesn’t frighten me at all.

Mean old Mother Goose
Lions on the loose
They don’t frighten me at all
Dragons breathing flame
On my counterpane
That doesn’t frighten me at all.

I go boo
Make them shoo
I make fun
Way they run
I won’t cry
So they fly
I just smile
They go wild
Life doesn’t frighten me at all.

Tough guys in a fight
All alone at night
Life doesn’t frighten me at all.
Panthers in the park
Strangers in the dark
No, they don’t frighten me at all.

That new classroom where
Boys pull all my hair
(Kissy little girls
With their hair in curls)
They don’t frighten me at all.

Don’t show me frogs and snakes
And listen for my scream,
If I’m afraid at all
It’s only in my dreams.

I’ve got a magic charm
That I keep up my sleeve,
I can walk the ocean floor
And never have to breathe.

Life doesn’t frighten me at all
Not at all
Not at all
Life doesn’t frighten me at all.