being strong

I keep biting my bottom lip in attempt to hold back the tears.
This afternoon I bit it and it gave up and split open.

you tore my heart still beating from my chest
and crushed it under your heel

hadn't you hurt me enough?
you needed to lift my hopes up high, so that you could dash them a thousand metres onto the rocks below? watch them shatter to smithereens?

I've blocked you
I've deleted you
leave me be

I'd want to die, but I refuse to let you destroy me.

bureacracy

Letting agent- you need a guarantor.
umm
we need proof that you are a bone fide person
right ok
and a landlords reference
oooohkaaaay.... (thinks- they suspect me al Qaeda tenant? student teacher of doom tenant?)
My brother will be guarantor, he volunteered
does he own property in the uk
um, no?
well that defeats the purpose of a guarantor
(it does? )
of course we don't check with the land registry
(I bet you don't, it costs 250 squid)
but it'd defeat the object if it wasn't a uk property owner, don't you have parents?
my mum's retired. (well I am nearly thirty years old, that'd have to make my mum fairly mature, right?)
Oh
I'll find someone
We also need proof that your a student
I only just enrolled, I'm not sure what I've got...
Well we need proof, we have to prove that your a bone fide person
(yes I remember that part- they really must think I'm teacher of evil? perhaps secret crack whore?)
I'll sort it out
I'm sure it'll be fine, I'm sure it'll...

I have small fit of extreme rage

Trying to find a guarantor. Seemingly impossible,
not one of my friends is financially stable owner of property.
I end up with my best friend's mum- thank god!
still praying that the paperwork goes through...

Off down to uni (sarf larden)
the student adviser can't help me til they work out what my student status is.
student status is?
I am fully enrolled on a full time course doing one unit
one unit?
less than part time hours, officially full time .
right oh.

office can't help me until they know what my official student status is.
um.
fully enrolled on full time course?
pop round and speak to course director
ok
what is my status? officially?
what would you like it to be?
um...?
full time is fine
back to the office
my status is full time
ok
can I have two letters please, one for the letting agent and one for the bank
no problem
shall I come back tomorrow?
wont take long, you can wait
so I wait, I'm not feels well, so I'm dozy...
here are the letters, they ok?
yus, thank you
now to the bank batgirl!
bank queue, I wait like a patient girl
when the fellow is free he suddenly isn't and I have to wait like a good girl at his desk, I fold my hands in my lap and think little women.
ID please. he wants my bank card.
I've forgotten it, but I know all my details and have alternate photo id
no
can't look at your letter and studentify your account without your bank card
ok, i'll be back before 5pm
4:30
4:30pm??
yuss.
right then
home on the bus
lunch break.
bus back to the bank
I sit patiently like a good girl, I think good thoughts
my turn
hello I have bank card, I have letter
righty oh, he logs in, I wait more
he check letter
I'm sorry madam cannot helps you, letter is incorrect, dates is last year
oh HALP
call uni, please may have new letters? collect tomorrow?
no problem
return home, abject fail.

today I return to uni
cannot obtain access to building.
visit security desk man, would that he were not cute! cannot be arsy with disarming smile man
he fixes card
I obtain access to building and collect new letters
not bad, however of course now bank is closed.

tomorrow more bureaucracy.
see me jump through hoops,
verily fly
twist, turn and cunningly leap
backflipping with astonishing skill

And he said, ‘Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
— Khalil Gibran

thank you for putting this my way- it's very apt this week