wonderings

I have butterflies,
I'm over excited
and terrified

is adoration love?
is love adoration?

How can it be that someone who wants to talk to me,
who wants to have adventures with me,
who thinks weird things I like are weird and cool,
not weird and boring,
can make my heart sing?

I don't quite trust myself,
or the universe.

and all the while
gremlin drip feeds his emotive poison
'chloe' sends me suggestive quotes
sparky asks me to come and play
nemesis wants company

but I've asked 'him' to wait.
and he is.
His resolve is so much stronger than mine
(woah, palpitations)
I haven't waited since I was 15,
I'd never have imagined it could mean so much.

men- mainly distressing creatures,
can any of them be trusted?
is different, different enough?

how can anything that makes me this hopeful not be dangerous?

Brand new (after 18 years)

Should I be concerned that you know where my blog is?
Do I have anything left to hide?

I certainly haven't begun with any half truths, I haven't held anything back.
My fear, my confusion, my remaining frustration and sense of loss- I've shared with you.
I've shared and been astonished that you don't appear perturbed, and haven't fled into the hills.

It's a complicated situation, nobody could deny that, but it's hopeful.
The hope nourishes me, sustains me.
Your hope and acceptance pour balm over the broken places.

I do not feel worthy- I hope I'm wrong.

addendum (ə-ˈden-dəm)

I am blameless for my fathers actions.

( I especially like this one, it tastes much better than a negatively phrased version; ' I am not guilty...' etc. I'm still enjoying saying it out loud!)