Daddy's Gone

I haven't had sex in.... about a week?
Don't mock, it's a long time for me.
I'm about to ovulate, I know I am, I can feel it, and I want it sooooooooo badly.

I want to spread myself open and let him torment me. I want to submit to his will.
Even his eyes on me make me wet.
I want to kneel up on the bed and let him chastise me with the flat of his hard hand again the cheeks of my ass.
I long to lay with my head hanging over the edge of the bed so he can fill my mouth with his cock,
fuck my throat, and watch me squirm.
I want him to prise me open with his fingers, oh his fingers! I want him to touch me inside, in all those places that only he ever found, and mastered...
I want him to watch me flood and drip, to writhe beneath him, held firm in his grasp...

But I can't. I am alone.

I was his Baby. He was my Daddy. Now he's gone.

non-therapy revelation

A non-therapy related revelation, rare, but useful;

I deserve good things, not just shit.

just me

He left me sitting there
face in my hands, trying to cry quieter.

he packed his suitcase, left his keys on the counter,
and went.

I pushed the Gremlin away because Mr S said he wanted me.
now he's gone,
I'm single for the first time in 15 years.

It scares me to death.

bye bye baby

I broke his heart
it was like kicking a puppy. repeatedly.

I miss him so much.
I missed him as soon as the words were out of my mouth.
And I think the therapist's right, I saw him as my last chance of happiness. Of being loved.
Of normalcy. Of family.

The difference between him and others is for me suddenly, maddeningly clear and palpable.
I have been seen and accepted, not often, but it's happened.
But he sees something else.
As through through an amber spy-glass. Small and messy but bathed in sraf.

I am getting up and going to work.
Sorting out practicalities.
And bleeding (and secretly crying because I am, and I wish that I wasn't)