single

of my own volition. but ouchy.
weird.
i'm a bit puffy.
really don't want to eat.
longing for a cuddle.
cuddles was never the problem between me and J.
The problems were everything Apart from hugs.
I don't know what to do with myself.
I'm wafting.
It's rubbish.
I always act so nonchalant, and detached;
'yeah, I think I might break up with J soon'
but I'm so sad...
He was pretty much the first nice guy I've been out with.
stable, solvent, kind, patient.
My family thinks I'm crazy, they really like him.
And he really likes them.
AM i some kind of fool?
I think I know what I'm doing.
sort of.

but it might be a bit lonely.

I seen the diplodicus

and it seen me.

I took my friends to the science and to the natural history museum today. They were in town for weekend and that's what they wanted to see. That sounded fine, because I love it in the museums.
But I ended up feeling really sad though.
My lover, the guy I'm not seeing, who doesn't exist, and to whose family I do not belong, is bringing his kids up to London for the half term weekend. There were discussions about meeting him. Where, for how long, How in general?
One of the half crazed discussions was; how can I come with him and kid/s to the museums? How could I look non threatening, unnoticeable?
And of course it's not going to happen. Because it's insane.
So I found that looking round my favourite museums, with a happy couple in tow, surrounded by other peoples happy families, and boisterous children, killed me.

I was hoping that one of my friends was coming round this evening. No wait, I had arranged to see him, and he's let me down. Which is pretty much typical.
I am so sad though, and really could have done with a bit of company. Small hug. Gossip about something else.

something clean and sharp

I think about it, don't get me wrong
I know that it's crazy
But I think about it

I don't think about it to scare you
or threaten you
or make you feel bad

And I don't tell you because I want you to hurt either

I just crave it some times
when I can't get any other kind of release

I crave marks
just small cuts
sometimes patterns
on my ankles
and in hidden
out of the way places
around my body

I always sterilise first
and antiseptic afterward
I don't want to get sick
or anything like that

Sometimes I just want
to cut a small hole and let it all out

kitchen

two pieces of toast (with butter)
cheese (organic)
instant miso soup (the beetroot kind)

boys...

it's late
please
would you mind arguing about drugs less loudly?

for you

although you wont watch

I unwrap my hair
unpin it and let it fall

and count
8

two socks
baggy jeans
pink knix
black bra
red vest, wide straps
long sleeve top, cream
red sweater, fitted

plus blue belt
earrings
nose stud (doesn't count)

I take off my sweater
for you sweetness, and if you could look, you would see me
peel it off my ribs and get my hair tangled up with the neck hole

remove my tops
cream then red
and chuck them both in the wash basket

you can see my bra now, and through it,
if you're looking
and maybe you'll notice my earrings, hanging almost to my bare shoulders.

the earring go next,
left one first
leaving tiny holes besides the silver hoops
those stay, but you know that.

the jeans have to go too
it isn't easy to get that waistband past my hips
I can see how your face would be
watching the (faintly ludicrous) wiggle and stretch

I wish I'd put on better pants for you
but I didn't know you'd be coming along
so they're massive... and petal pink
I had to tie a knot in the side to keep them up
they come off next

now I match
black lacy bra with the socks
black
knee high
with a thin white line around the top,
just, here....

can you see what else I'm still wearing?
along here...up from there....
to my belly
do you like the fur sweetness?



what would you like babe?
it's all for you,
you know