this month's therapy revelation

there is not only one right way,
there are many different ways.

wonderings

I have butterflies,
I'm over excited
and terrified

is adoration love?
is love adoration?

How can it be that someone who wants to talk to me,
who wants to have adventures with me,
who thinks weird things I like are weird and cool,
not weird and boring,
can make my heart sing?

I don't quite trust myself,
or the universe.

and all the while
gremlin drip feeds his emotive poison
'chloe' sends me suggestive quotes
sparky asks me to come and play
nemesis wants company

but I've asked 'him' to wait.
and he is.
His resolve is so much stronger than mine
(woah, palpitations)
I haven't waited since I was 15,
I'd never have imagined it could mean so much.

men- mainly distressing creatures,
can any of them be trusted?
is different, different enough?

how can anything that makes me this hopeful not be dangerous?

Brand new (after 18 years)

Should I be concerned that you know where my blog is?
Do I have anything left to hide?

I certainly haven't begun with any half truths, I haven't held anything back.
My fear, my confusion, my remaining frustration and sense of loss- I've shared with you.
I've shared and been astonished that you don't appear perturbed, and haven't fled into the hills.

It's a complicated situation, nobody could deny that, but it's hopeful.
The hope nourishes me, sustains me.
Your hope and acceptance pour balm over the broken places.

I do not feel worthy- I hope I'm wrong.

addendum (ə-ˈden-dəm)

I am blameless for my fathers actions.

( I especially like this one, it tastes much better than a negatively phrased version; ' I am not guilty...' etc. I'm still enjoying saying it out loud!)

being strong

I keep biting my bottom lip in attempt to hold back the tears.
This afternoon I bit it and it gave up and split open.

you tore my heart still beating from my chest
and crushed it under your heel

hadn't you hurt me enough?
you needed to lift my hopes up high, so that you could dash them a thousand metres onto the rocks below? watch them shatter to smithereens?

I've blocked you
I've deleted you
leave me be

I'd want to die, but I refuse to let you destroy me.

bureacracy

Letting agent- you need a guarantor.
umm
we need proof that you are a bone fide person
right ok
and a landlords reference
oooohkaaaay.... (thinks- they suspect me al Qaeda tenant? student teacher of doom tenant?)
My brother will be guarantor, he volunteered
does he own property in the uk
um, no?
well that defeats the purpose of a guarantor
(it does? )
of course we don't check with the land registry
(I bet you don't, it costs 250 squid)
but it'd defeat the object if it wasn't a uk property owner, don't you have parents?
my mum's retired. (well I am nearly thirty years old, that'd have to make my mum fairly mature, right?)
Oh
I'll find someone
We also need proof that your a student
I only just enrolled, I'm not sure what I've got...
Well we need proof, we have to prove that your a bone fide person
(yes I remember that part- they really must think I'm teacher of evil? perhaps secret crack whore?)
I'll sort it out
I'm sure it'll be fine, I'm sure it'll...

I have small fit of extreme rage

Trying to find a guarantor. Seemingly impossible,
not one of my friends is financially stable owner of property.
I end up with my best friend's mum- thank god!
still praying that the paperwork goes through...

Off down to uni (sarf larden)
the student adviser can't help me til they work out what my student status is.
student status is?
I am fully enrolled on a full time course doing one unit
one unit?
less than part time hours, officially full time .
right oh.

office can't help me until they know what my official student status is.
um.
fully enrolled on full time course?
pop round and speak to course director
ok
what is my status? officially?
what would you like it to be?
um...?
full time is fine
back to the office
my status is full time
ok
can I have two letters please, one for the letting agent and one for the bank
no problem
shall I come back tomorrow?
wont take long, you can wait
so I wait, I'm not feels well, so I'm dozy...
here are the letters, they ok?
yus, thank you
now to the bank batgirl!
bank queue, I wait like a patient girl
when the fellow is free he suddenly isn't and I have to wait like a good girl at his desk, I fold my hands in my lap and think little women.
ID please. he wants my bank card.
I've forgotten it, but I know all my details and have alternate photo id
no
can't look at your letter and studentify your account without your bank card
ok, i'll be back before 5pm
4:30
4:30pm??
yuss.
right then
home on the bus
lunch break.
bus back to the bank
I sit patiently like a good girl, I think good thoughts
my turn
hello I have bank card, I have letter
righty oh, he logs in, I wait more
he check letter
I'm sorry madam cannot helps you, letter is incorrect, dates is last year
oh HALP
call uni, please may have new letters? collect tomorrow?
no problem
return home, abject fail.

today I return to uni
cannot obtain access to building.
visit security desk man, would that he were not cute! cannot be arsy with disarming smile man
he fixes card
I obtain access to building and collect new letters
not bad, however of course now bank is closed.

tomorrow more bureaucracy.
see me jump through hoops,
verily fly
twist, turn and cunningly leap
backflipping with astonishing skill

And he said, ‘Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
— Khalil Gibran

thank you for putting this my way- it's very apt this week

dear J
i feel like you're with me
i think of you most everyday
i wish you were here to join in-
sometimes when i think of you i get the most vivid sensation of a bristly kiss-
all randomness and joy,
sweaty and silly and fantastic

i love you always babe xxx

small things that cheer me up

blowing bubbles with gum (only recently possible again:)

making food with friends (especially gremlin, since mr s thinks i am harpy, ooops)

doing 10km on the rowing machine

watching the view from primrose hill

spicy food

my first chocolate in about ten months (booja booja!!!!)

A good relationship is like fireworks: loud, explosive, and liable to maim you if you hold on too long.

-Jeph Jacques

I'm not certain about the 'good' part, but certain that this relationship was fiery, and that perhaps it's a good thing if I concentrate on letting go.

I'm sorry that you think this is a game.

I don't know that I've ever been so hurt. It was almost impossibly hard to see you.
I felt as though you'd torn me inside out. When you left me I didn't even realise you were leaving me. I was in shock for weeks. I still can't stop crying- I just don't do it with everyone watching.
It's been so long since I was open and trusted anyone, but I trusted you. I thought we knew each other. I tried so hard. I wanted things to be ok.The things you said, I believed them all and I really thought things would be ok: you said they would.

I felt that was my only chance to be happy with someone because you accepted me, and I tried real hard to take care of you and show you my feelings. It's been so long, I had begun to have hope. But you left, and I'm really trying hard to cope.

This is not fun. I am not playing.

It's the hardest thing of all for me not to go backward, to be the person I was before, the oblivion is appealing.Self denial is tempting. I want to turn it all off and return to being cold, detached. But I'm trying to hang tight to things I had, things we had, stuff I might've learned. To hold on to the idea that one day it might be possible to be open again. But right now I am impossibly raw, I still can't come to terms with the knowledge that things will not be ok, that we will never be ok.

I can't imagine quite how to stay good, and not to bring down the shutters and close the world out. I want to stay soft and if that makes me vulnerable then I don't care, but it fucking hurts.

I'm sorry I don't live up to expectations, but I am totally broken.

Life Doesn't Frighten Me. by Maya Angelo

Shadows on the wall
Noises down the hail
Life doesn’t frighten me at all
Bad dogs barking loud
Big ghosts in a cloud
Life doesn’t frighten me at all.

Mean old Mother Goose
Lions on the loose
They don’t frighten me at all
Dragons breathing flame
On my counterpane
That doesn’t frighten me at all.

I go boo
Make them shoo
I make fun
Way they run
I won’t cry
So they fly
I just smile
They go wild
Life doesn’t frighten me at all.

Tough guys in a fight
All alone at night
Life doesn’t frighten me at all.
Panthers in the park
Strangers in the dark
No, they don’t frighten me at all.

That new classroom where
Boys pull all my hair
(Kissy little girls
With their hair in curls)
They don’t frighten me at all.

Don’t show me frogs and snakes
And listen for my scream,
If I’m afraid at all
It’s only in my dreams.

I’ve got a magic charm
That I keep up my sleeve,
I can walk the ocean floor
And never have to breathe.

Life doesn’t frighten me at all
Not at all
Not at all
Life doesn’t frighten me at all.

Daddy's Gone

I haven't had sex in.... about a week?
Don't mock, it's a long time for me.
I'm about to ovulate, I know I am, I can feel it, and I want it sooooooooo badly.

I want to spread myself open and let him torment me. I want to submit to his will.
Even his eyes on me make me wet.
I want to kneel up on the bed and let him chastise me with the flat of his hard hand again the cheeks of my ass.
I long to lay with my head hanging over the edge of the bed so he can fill my mouth with his cock,
fuck my throat, and watch me squirm.
I want him to prise me open with his fingers, oh his fingers! I want him to touch me inside, in all those places that only he ever found, and mastered...
I want him to watch me flood and drip, to writhe beneath him, held firm in his grasp...

But I can't. I am alone.

I was his Baby. He was my Daddy. Now he's gone.

non-therapy revelation

A non-therapy related revelation, rare, but useful;

I deserve good things, not just shit.

just me

He left me sitting there
face in my hands, trying to cry quieter.

he packed his suitcase, left his keys on the counter,
and went.

I pushed the Gremlin away because Mr S said he wanted me.
now he's gone,
I'm single for the first time in 15 years.

It scares me to death.

bye bye baby

I broke his heart
it was like kicking a puppy. repeatedly.

I miss him so much.
I missed him as soon as the words were out of my mouth.
And I think the therapist's right, I saw him as my last chance of happiness. Of being loved.
Of normalcy. Of family.

The difference between him and others is for me suddenly, maddeningly clear and palpable.
I have been seen and accepted, not often, but it's happened.
But he sees something else.
As through through an amber spy-glass. Small and messy but bathed in sraf.

I am getting up and going to work.
Sorting out practicalities.
And bleeding (and secretly crying because I am, and I wish that I wasn't)

writing letters into the void

dear j
today I'd really really like to smell you- sniff sniff
and giggle#and have you make silly noises
and nuzzle me

i love you loads an loads
miss you so much

pixie xxx

bitter much?

****** has been deleted on facebook by the only man she's ever trusted enough to move in with.
who she introduced to 4/7 of her siblings.
the only lover who ever met her father.
whose family she went to meet in a foreign country when she ought to be at home going to a funeral.
the first man to take her in all her orifices.
the first man to choke her.
he once called her "fat, lazy & boring in bed".
she must've really loved the dumbass because she spent two more years with him after he said it.

the first man she ever really wanted to marry, has completed his mission to excise her from his existence.

well done alex, I hope you're very happy with the liver sausage.
your friends all hate her.

my most recent therapy revelation:

I am not necessarily always in the wrong

the peculiar way in which pain is worse when you're being stood up by someone you shouldn't be longing to see anyway.
the way in which despair seeps into the cracks in your conciousness, crackling like water over ice.

I am an interesting experiment.
Life is the toddler, I am the unfortunate arthropod, and I'm running out of limbs.

happy birthday

I went to meet my bloke from the airport yesterday. I haven't seen him for near on four months.
I dressed nice and got up at 5am to meet his flight. He came out of arrivals, through those swing doors with two armed policemen who let me say hello before they took him away. I waited all day trying to find out what was happening and worrying that this third breach of his order would send him to prison. At about 4pm he turned up on my doorstep. Bedraggled smelly and freaked out.

They've tagged him and given him a curfew. He came home for my birthday but couldn't stay with me the night before or my birthday proper ( I wasn't born til nine o clock in the evening, so actually it's not yet).

Now the person who told me I could have a party in their houe (I've invited everyone) is making oh-I'm-not-really-sure noises and my best london girlfriend has announced that shes not coming.

Well she's not alone, because what with the curfew my boyfriend can't come either.

It's been raining pretty much all day, and when I had a wash this morning the whole shower thingy came off the wall into my hands.

25 things

http://25thingsaboutmysexuality.blogspot.com

guess which one is mine

addendum (ə-ˈden-dəm)

I had a couple drunken revelations this weekend, I think even my therapist was surprised at how much sense they made considering I'd been drinking, smoking and eating tramadol for three days (all the the same time she asks? No, I reply, I'm reckless, not suicidal).

SO they went something like this:

* I am in charge.
I am in charge of what I do in my life. I am not in control of everything, but like the skipper of a small rig in a big ocean, I have my hand firmly on the tiller.

* They are all me.
The grumbling voices of disapproval and negativity that live me my head telling me how shit I am, ad naseum. Pinky, who goes out on binges and is aggressive and passive at the same time, getting herself into all sorts of unpleasant situations. Bad'M' who does interesting if totally immoral things, loves round numbers and always compounds the mess she's made by making sure it's done properly and to her bad, bad specifications. Miss B, who is calm , sensible and warm and contains children's chaos so they can get on and explore.
They, and their conterparts- for there are more believe it or not, are all me. All part of who and what I am, which technically means I should be able to diminish or accentuate thir attributes at will and get them to help me reach my goals (remember the tiller). I need to find a way to build them all into one marvellous M, discarding what I do not need as I go- an amazing construction project!

Last night I had one more, which could be misinterpretted, but since I'm working very hard on making the grumbling voices _shut_up_ I will say it loud and proud;

*God made me, and I am beautiful.

tied and kneeling

badness

I had to confess to my man again today, down the slightly stretched sounding phone line from India.
I'm sorry I've been bad, not as bad as last time, but I didn't ask for permission in this instance. I just got carried away. I am broke and horny this month, and you're so far away...did I say I was sorry? I am. very.
I let him watch, you asked me not touch him, and I didn't, but I let him watch me, I kept my pants on, if that helps? I let him watch whilst I played. And charged him the price of a henry.
I'm sorry.
Can we talk about future hopes and dreams again now?

I am wretched,
pressing against my shadow
with the tips of my fingers
I ask it to open and let me in

Rule Eight (8)

Remember, you are not alone.
If people don't have time to support you, right now, as much as you feel like, wonder what's going on for them?
Perhaps they need a hug too.

The Rules

I'm working on rules. They're like guidelines to help me live. So far they're something like this;

1. Everything is not one big giant lumped together problem.

2. You are allowed to take things one at a time.

3. You are not required to feel guilty (not everything in the world is your fault)

4. Stop trying to control everything, do your best, that's all.

5. Find something to smile about every day.

6. Work hard at not getting distracted (blogging!)

7. If you get stuck, start with a (silly, energetic) dance.


I'm sure they'll keep on evolving....
so far they do seem to help a bit

pressure

His head’s so big that at first I don’t think it will fit, but he just presses and presses…

I’d have known this was what it was like, but last time I stopped him. It was years ago now, whilst I was still with Alex and I’d like to think that’s what it was that stopped me…. Or I’d like you to think that’s what it was, but in reality I know that lying there, with him between my thighs, both of us naked and myself opened out to him, his cock “knocking at the door” (his words) I asked him not to because I wasn’t on the pill and he hadn’t offered to wrap it up. I could’ve asked him to wrap it up. Or just let him in and gone for the morning after pill the following day. But I asked him not to, and let myself believe that it was for Alex.

And now here I am, in his fiancée’s arms, she’s stroking me, kissing me and I’m staring up at him, wide eyed and he’s pressing and pressing until I give and he forces his way in whilst I gasp and clench.

The shaft is contrastingly narrow, and he doesn’t give me his full length, but there’s a sweet spot that he’s hitting, and I arch my back striving for more pressure, to be filled.

And she’s there, kissing and stroking me and I’m gasping and writhing and reaching, and reaching… reaching….

Getting closer and closer…. But he (they?) prolong it, and I keep reaching….

grieving, is this how it's done?

If Monday was 'How can it be true?'
then Tuesday was 'What's going to happen?'

Today I woke two hours before the alarm, suddenly as if somebody had called my name. I realised that I didn't know what day it is, and wasn't sure where I was.
I couldn't go back to sleep.

Monday was numb. As if I'd spent a week crying and waiting and that now it'd happened and he's really gone I couldn't bring myself to grieve.

Tuesday bits of me started coming back, unexpectedly, like emotional pins and needles.
The numbness was still frighteningly numb, like being in a lead lined bubble, but the pins and needles parts were so acute that I wanted to howl and rend my clothes.

My therapist asked me if I had had a chance to really howl, and I said that it hadn't been possible as the pain had hit quite randomly , in the middle of the tudor gallery at the NPG, sitting on the tube looking at the Metro.
I made use of my sunglasses yesterday and cried behind them, but I'm still longing for release.

My therapist asked me the other day (Monday?)

"Do you think he is breaking the mould?"

"The train wreck mould you talk about"

"oh." I stared at the tiles on the fireplace and listened to the noise in my head.

"I think he will if I let him"

"What do you mean?"

"If I let him be kind to me, he will. If I check myself when I start crazy arguments, if I continue and develop this new skill of recognising and saying why I am upset, then I think he will continue to be nice. I'd like to find a way to accept it, and return it in kind. I'd like not to be a train wreck forever."

blessed

My mummy is cancer free, I am filled with joy :)

My big brother did not throw my biological father into Watchet harbour,
I am very impressed by his self control.

My little sister is settling into her new job and seems to be enjoying it.

My antibiotics have finished making me bonkers
(I went out one night this week to get potatoes for dinner and came home with hair straighteners)
and the infection appears to be gone (fingers still crossed, still drinking gallons of water).

The two male persons who want to keep me are being civil to myself and each other.
More than civil, they are being gentle, generous and warm.
(obviously they loathe each other, but still)

I suck at planning and loathe the teacher in whose class I am working.
But right now I do not care.
I am blessed. I feel it.
I'm going to wash my hair and sing. loudly.

age