bye bye baby

I broke his heart
it was like kicking a puppy. repeatedly.

I miss him so much.
I missed him as soon as the words were out of my mouth.
And I think the therapist's right, I saw him as my last chance of happiness. Of being loved.
Of normalcy. Of family.

The difference between him and others is for me suddenly, maddeningly clear and palpable.
I have been seen and accepted, not often, but it's happened.
But he sees something else.
As through through an amber spy-glass. Small and messy but bathed in sraf.

I am getting up and going to work.
Sorting out practicalities.
And bleeding (and secretly crying because I am, and I wish that I wasn't)