addendum (ə-ˈden-dəm)

I had a couple drunken revelations this weekend, I think even my therapist was surprised at how much sense they made considering I'd been drinking, smoking and eating tramadol for three days (all the the same time she asks? No, I reply, I'm reckless, not suicidal).

SO they went something like this:

* I am in charge.
I am in charge of what I do in my life. I am not in control of everything, but like the skipper of a small rig in a big ocean, I have my hand firmly on the tiller.

* They are all me.
The grumbling voices of disapproval and negativity that live me my head telling me how shit I am, ad naseum. Pinky, who goes out on binges and is aggressive and passive at the same time, getting herself into all sorts of unpleasant situations. Bad'M' who does interesting if totally immoral things, loves round numbers and always compounds the mess she's made by making sure it's done properly and to her bad, bad specifications. Miss B, who is calm , sensible and warm and contains children's chaos so they can get on and explore.
They, and their conterparts- for there are more believe it or not, are all me. All part of who and what I am, which technically means I should be able to diminish or accentuate thir attributes at will and get them to help me reach my goals (remember the tiller). I need to find a way to build them all into one marvellous M, discarding what I do not need as I go- an amazing construction project!

Last night I had one more, which could be misinterpretted, but since I'm working very hard on making the grumbling voices _shut_up_ I will say it loud and proud;

*God made me, and I am beautiful.

My therapist asked me the other day (Monday?)

"Do you think he is breaking the mould?"

"The train wreck mould you talk about"

"oh." I stared at the tiles on the fireplace and listened to the noise in my head.

"I think he will if I let him"

"What do you mean?"

"If I let him be kind to me, he will. If I check myself when I start crazy arguments, if I continue and develop this new skill of recognising and saying why I am upset, then I think he will continue to be nice. I'd like to find a way to accept it, and return it in kind. I'd like not to be a train wreck forever."