pressure

His head’s so big that at first I don’t think it will fit, but he just presses and presses…

I’d have known this was what it was like, but last time I stopped him. It was years ago now, whilst I was still with Alex and I’d like to think that’s what it was that stopped me…. Or I’d like you to think that’s what it was, but in reality I know that lying there, with him between my thighs, both of us naked and myself opened out to him, his cock “knocking at the door” (his words) I asked him not to because I wasn’t on the pill and he hadn’t offered to wrap it up. I could’ve asked him to wrap it up. Or just let him in and gone for the morning after pill the following day. But I asked him not to, and let myself believe that it was for Alex.

And now here I am, in his fiancée’s arms, she’s stroking me, kissing me and I’m staring up at him, wide eyed and he’s pressing and pressing until I give and he forces his way in whilst I gasp and clench.

The shaft is contrastingly narrow, and he doesn’t give me his full length, but there’s a sweet spot that he’s hitting, and I arch my back striving for more pressure, to be filled.

And she’s there, kissing and stroking me and I’m gasping and writhing and reaching, and reaching… reaching….

Getting closer and closer…. But he (they?) prolong it, and I keep reaching….

grieving, is this how it's done?

If Monday was 'How can it be true?'
then Tuesday was 'What's going to happen?'

Today I woke two hours before the alarm, suddenly as if somebody had called my name. I realised that I didn't know what day it is, and wasn't sure where I was.
I couldn't go back to sleep.

Monday was numb. As if I'd spent a week crying and waiting and that now it'd happened and he's really gone I couldn't bring myself to grieve.

Tuesday bits of me started coming back, unexpectedly, like emotional pins and needles.
The numbness was still frighteningly numb, like being in a lead lined bubble, but the pins and needles parts were so acute that I wanted to howl and rend my clothes.

My therapist asked me if I had had a chance to really howl, and I said that it hadn't been possible as the pain had hit quite randomly , in the middle of the tudor gallery at the NPG, sitting on the tube looking at the Metro.
I made use of my sunglasses yesterday and cried behind them, but I'm still longing for release.

My therapist asked me the other day (Monday?)

"Do you think he is breaking the mould?"

"The train wreck mould you talk about"

"oh." I stared at the tiles on the fireplace and listened to the noise in my head.

"I think he will if I let him"

"What do you mean?"

"If I let him be kind to me, he will. If I check myself when I start crazy arguments, if I continue and develop this new skill of recognising and saying why I am upset, then I think he will continue to be nice. I'd like to find a way to accept it, and return it in kind. I'd like not to be a train wreck forever."

blessed

My mummy is cancer free, I am filled with joy :)

My big brother did not throw my biological father into Watchet harbour,
I am very impressed by his self control.

My little sister is settling into her new job and seems to be enjoying it.

My antibiotics have finished making me bonkers
(I went out one night this week to get potatoes for dinner and came home with hair straighteners)
and the infection appears to be gone (fingers still crossed, still drinking gallons of water).

The two male persons who want to keep me are being civil to myself and each other.
More than civil, they are being gentle, generous and warm.
(obviously they loathe each other, but still)

I suck at planning and loathe the teacher in whose class I am working.
But right now I do not care.
I am blessed. I feel it.
I'm going to wash my hair and sing. loudly.

age

Just like the rest,
You are Just like the rest,
Am I'm tired,

and brambled,
and dragged through the hedge,
over the coals.

and I am embers.
and burnt toast,
when it's your last piece of bread
crumbs of blackened heart
all over the kitchen

and it gets in the cracks
like salt in the chaps

The Sun Ain't Shining No More

here I am looking for silver linings, and whilst I'm trying to be positive I lose something.
and I get to be alone some more. oh _lucky_ me.