through the grain

I can't seem to cope at all sometimes.
Especially when I've been 'up', 'down' is so much further down.
None of it the wild variation is anybodies concern.
None of it at all.

I struggle to contain it all, to carry the responsibility and to know
that the burden is mine, and mine alone.
That it can only ever be mine.
It's hard to know that sometimes.

Through the 'grey' things can seem really clear, but assuming
they are real is to mistake silhouettes and shadows for reality.

It's better to know I'm alone all along.
To become accustomed to just being.
To practice keeping it all in. Keep the shutters safe and locked.
To avoid the rude awakening, coming upon it suddenly,
materialising out of the mist.

Having thought you knew where you were in the dim quiet,
coming upon reality,
can be just like walking into an electric fence.

soundtrack: suzanne vega, night vision

The Grey

I've been floating recently.

Into the bleak places, through the layers of grey,
sometimes I surface to the light.
In this new space of mine there is at least light,
most days I get a couple hours, if I'm here to see it.
If I am I will bask in it, literally, and for a little
while I feel like a person. I feel real, I feel whole.
The gold washes over me and penetrates the dark
parts. Then, like a switch is flicked, a reaction begins
and my soul begins to fire, the glow from inside
slowly spreading throughout me.
Giving me the energy to handle everything.

I don't know why the feeling can't last.
But it can't.
I begin to sink again.

furniture

My Bed. Without you in it, the most pointless piece of furniture in existence.

single

of my own volition. but ouchy.
weird.
i'm a bit puffy.
really don't want to eat.
longing for a cuddle.
cuddles was never the problem between me and J.
The problems were everything Apart from hugs.
I don't know what to do with myself.
I'm wafting.
It's rubbish.
I always act so nonchalant, and detached;
'yeah, I think I might break up with J soon'
but I'm so sad...
He was pretty much the first nice guy I've been out with.
stable, solvent, kind, patient.
My family thinks I'm crazy, they really like him.
And he really likes them.
AM i some kind of fool?
I think I know what I'm doing.
sort of.

but it might be a bit lonely.

I seen the diplodicus

and it seen me.

I took my friends to the science and to the natural history museum today. They were in town for weekend and that's what they wanted to see. That sounded fine, because I love it in the museums.
But I ended up feeling really sad though.
My lover, the guy I'm not seeing, who doesn't exist, and to whose family I do not belong, is bringing his kids up to London for the half term weekend. There were discussions about meeting him. Where, for how long, How in general?
One of the half crazed discussions was; how can I come with him and kid/s to the museums? How could I look non threatening, unnoticeable?
And of course it's not going to happen. Because it's insane.
So I found that looking round my favourite museums, with a happy couple in tow, surrounded by other peoples happy families, and boisterous children, killed me.

I was hoping that one of my friends was coming round this evening. No wait, I had arranged to see him, and he's let me down. Which is pretty much typical.
I am so sad though, and really could have done with a bit of company. Small hug. Gossip about something else.

something clean and sharp

I think about it, don't get me wrong
I know that it's crazy
But I think about it

I don't think about it to scare you
or threaten you
or make you feel bad

And I don't tell you because I want you to hurt either

I just crave it some times
when I can't get any other kind of release

I crave marks
just small cuts
sometimes patterns
on my ankles
and in hidden
out of the way places
around my body

I always sterilise first
and antiseptic afterward
I don't want to get sick
or anything like that

Sometimes I just want
to cut a small hole and let it all out

kitchen

two pieces of toast (with butter)
cheese (organic)
instant miso soup (the beetroot kind)