i have no self confidence.
none.
i can loose 10 kilos
and still think i'm fat.
(i'm pretty much permanently
deluded on that point)
i can have a degree and still feel stupid.
I get stuck.
depressed.
immobile.

i have fantasy 'relationships' with people
i want them to be something that they can't be.
to give me something that they don't have.
i can be just a cloud of negativity.
i can nod and listen and offer tea,
but i need that kind of support myself
and end up resenting those i offer it to.

i regret the past.
i fear the future.
i imagine the worst
and am not surprised when it happens
everyday i cope
every day i wish i could do better
then flop it

i want to take a large step
and be in the light
i want the golden glow to embrace me
i want to be safe
and warm
i want to see the good in everything
and help those who can't find it

when i was so small,
before life (&my father) had crushed me
i knew i was good
i knew i could do good
i would dance with everyone at the grown up party
and sleep beside the drum kit

i loved sun dresses
mud
bugs
flowers
a bowl of water
and singing hummily


bring me back to the light

please