A good relationship is like fireworks: loud, explosive, and liable to maim you if you hold on too long.

-Jeph Jacques

I'm not certain about the 'good' part, but certain that this relationship was fiery, and that perhaps it's a good thing if I concentrate on letting go.

I'm sorry that you think this is a game.

I don't know that I've ever been so hurt. It was almost impossibly hard to see you.
I felt as though you'd torn me inside out. When you left me I didn't even realise you were leaving me. I was in shock for weeks. I still can't stop crying- I just don't do it with everyone watching.
It's been so long since I was open and trusted anyone, but I trusted you. I thought we knew each other. I tried so hard. I wanted things to be ok.The things you said, I believed them all and I really thought things would be ok: you said they would.

I felt that was my only chance to be happy with someone because you accepted me, and I tried real hard to take care of you and show you my feelings. It's been so long, I had begun to have hope. But you left, and I'm really trying hard to cope.

This is not fun. I am not playing.

It's the hardest thing of all for me not to go backward, to be the person I was before, the oblivion is appealing.Self denial is tempting. I want to turn it all off and return to being cold, detached. But I'm trying to hang tight to things I had, things we had, stuff I might've learned. To hold on to the idea that one day it might be possible to be open again. But right now I am impossibly raw, I still can't come to terms with the knowledge that things will not be ok, that we will never be ok.

I can't imagine quite how to stay good, and not to bring down the shutters and close the world out. I want to stay soft and if that makes me vulnerable then I don't care, but it fucking hurts.

I'm sorry I don't live up to expectations, but I am totally broken.

Life Doesn't Frighten Me. by Maya Angelo

Shadows on the wall
Noises down the hail
Life doesn’t frighten me at all
Bad dogs barking loud
Big ghosts in a cloud
Life doesn’t frighten me at all.

Mean old Mother Goose
Lions on the loose
They don’t frighten me at all
Dragons breathing flame
On my counterpane
That doesn’t frighten me at all.

I go boo
Make them shoo
I make fun
Way they run
I won’t cry
So they fly
I just smile
They go wild
Life doesn’t frighten me at all.

Tough guys in a fight
All alone at night
Life doesn’t frighten me at all.
Panthers in the park
Strangers in the dark
No, they don’t frighten me at all.

That new classroom where
Boys pull all my hair
(Kissy little girls
With their hair in curls)
They don’t frighten me at all.

Don’t show me frogs and snakes
And listen for my scream,
If I’m afraid at all
It’s only in my dreams.

I’ve got a magic charm
That I keep up my sleeve,
I can walk the ocean floor
And never have to breathe.

Life doesn’t frighten me at all
Not at all
Not at all
Life doesn’t frighten me at all.

Daddy's Gone

I haven't had sex in.... about a week?
Don't mock, it's a long time for me.
I'm about to ovulate, I know I am, I can feel it, and I want it sooooooooo badly.

I want to spread myself open and let him torment me. I want to submit to his will.
Even his eyes on me make me wet.
I want to kneel up on the bed and let him chastise me with the flat of his hard hand again the cheeks of my ass.
I long to lay with my head hanging over the edge of the bed so he can fill my mouth with his cock,
fuck my throat, and watch me squirm.
I want him to prise me open with his fingers, oh his fingers! I want him to touch me inside, in all those places that only he ever found, and mastered...
I want him to watch me flood and drip, to writhe beneath him, held firm in his grasp...

But I can't. I am alone.

I was his Baby. He was my Daddy. Now he's gone.

non-therapy revelation

A non-therapy related revelation, rare, but useful;

I deserve good things, not just shit.

just me

He left me sitting there
face in my hands, trying to cry quieter.

he packed his suitcase, left his keys on the counter,
and went.

I pushed the Gremlin away because Mr S said he wanted me.
now he's gone,
I'm single for the first time in 15 years.

It scares me to death.

bye bye baby

I broke his heart
it was like kicking a puppy. repeatedly.

I miss him so much.
I missed him as soon as the words were out of my mouth.
And I think the therapist's right, I saw him as my last chance of happiness. Of being loved.
Of normalcy. Of family.

The difference between him and others is for me suddenly, maddeningly clear and palpable.
I have been seen and accepted, not often, but it's happened.
But he sees something else.
As through through an amber spy-glass. Small and messy but bathed in sraf.

I am getting up and going to work.
Sorting out practicalities.
And bleeding (and secretly crying because I am, and I wish that I wasn't)