Blessings.

My mum loves me and is the best mum of all.

My auntie has an astonishing facility for finding the positive aspects of everything. Even having surgery.

My cousin is up and about again. If a little tentatively.

My loopy brother had some good genetic traits to pass on to a sprog- he's not ugly or thick. Apparently he loves me too, although I usually find that a bit far fetched and definitely do not rely on it.

I have managed without a dyslexia tutor for the last twenty eight years and will keep on compensating as long as I need to. ditto DSA money.

I can't think of a silver lining for the lack of long term counselling, I probably ought to count it as priority number one.

My revolting paedo father will get his comeuppance. The universe is not kind to wife beating, nit-picking, kiddy fiddlers.

There is no silver lining to the bugs either. They have Got To Go.

Whilst it is undoubtedly true that my flatemates are warthogs, they are not dealing coke from the kitchen, nor do they have large unfriendly dogs that shit in the house and try to eat guests. Neither do they have primark moll girlfriends who try to poison the place with "air freshening" toxic chemicals. (This is a surprisingly large blessing.)

The sour puss, control freak, two faced bitch is already making me look good. The kids like me, and that's the really important thing :)

I am way behind with my academic work, but I don't think it is too late yet.

My period is very much arrived. Thus I do not have to concern myself with the possibility of having to feed two mouths on my student loan or my mum having to have a second cow. It isn't even very painful, which is unusual, and lovely. (thank you universe)

I'm pretty tired, but I do not have to get up early in the morning.
And the cold is on it's very last legs. (Yay kiwi fruit!)

still smiling (it's not gas)

My mum has nasty flu, will be in hospital for 'minor' surgery next month, and is having a cow about my brother (see below)

My auntie is just out of hospital now having had surgery.

My cousin is in hospital post surgery and due for more chemo, which doesn't seem to be helping as much as he'd/we'd/they'd/I'd hoped.

My loopy brother has gotten his mentally ill girlfriend pregnant, no idea what his other girlfriend's gonna think, or how soon we're going to face the fallout of what is undoubtedly his most stupid idea yet.

My university assure me that I am a priority but they still cant find me a dyslexia tutor, the LEA hasn't even bothered to reply to me yet, never mind allocate me anything or return my passport.

I still can't find long term counselling.

My revolting paedo father is out on bail and seems likely to get away with abusing two more of his children, partly because my brother (see above) is too messed up to give any more evidence.

I have bugs that live in my bed and bite me when I'm not paying attention.

My flatemates are warthogs. With blue gunk. The hair and water and pee I get, I even understand the grease and crumbs and inability to wash cutlery ( I do not exaggerate) but what is the blue gunk about? Indeed what is the blue gunk?

The teacher in whose class I am undertaking my placement is a genuine sour puss control freak two faced bitch.

I am way way way behind with my academic work, so much so that it is almost too late.

I've run out of money.

My period is late (actually it arrived as I was posting this, small blessings)

I'm pretty tired, with the remains of a nasty cold.

Other than that I'm fine. Surprisingly positive.

Dear Bint

He's not really mine, and I have no right to be hurt,
but I am and I have an overwhelming urge to send
her a really nasty message.
It writes itself in my head over and over again...

"Dear Lauren,
You are very young and pretty and slim.
And I'm sure your fingers are also very young and pretty and slim.
But I swear to you now that if you lay one on my gremlin again I will break it in two places.

You take care now."

I wont of course.

through the grain

I can't seem to cope at all sometimes.
Especially when I've been 'up', 'down' is so much further down.
None of it the wild variation is anybodies concern.
None of it at all.

I struggle to contain it all, to carry the responsibility and to know
that the burden is mine, and mine alone.
That it can only ever be mine.
It's hard to know that sometimes.

Through the 'grey' things can seem really clear, but assuming
they are real is to mistake silhouettes and shadows for reality.

It's better to know I'm alone all along.
To become accustomed to just being.
To practice keeping it all in. Keep the shutters safe and locked.
To avoid the rude awakening, coming upon it suddenly,
materialising out of the mist.

Having thought you knew where you were in the dim quiet,
coming upon reality,
can be just like walking into an electric fence.

soundtrack: suzanne vega, night vision

The Grey

I've been floating recently.

Into the bleak places, through the layers of grey,
sometimes I surface to the light.
In this new space of mine there is at least light,
most days I get a couple hours, if I'm here to see it.
If I am I will bask in it, literally, and for a little
while I feel like a person. I feel real, I feel whole.
The gold washes over me and penetrates the dark
parts. Then, like a switch is flicked, a reaction begins
and my soul begins to fire, the glow from inside
slowly spreading throughout me.
Giving me the energy to handle everything.

I don't know why the feeling can't last.
But it can't.
I begin to sink again.

furniture

My Bed. Without you in it, the most pointless piece of furniture in existence.

single

of my own volition. but ouchy.
weird.
i'm a bit puffy.
really don't want to eat.
longing for a cuddle.
cuddles was never the problem between me and J.
The problems were everything Apart from hugs.
I don't know what to do with myself.
I'm wafting.
It's rubbish.
I always act so nonchalant, and detached;
'yeah, I think I might break up with J soon'
but I'm so sad...
He was pretty much the first nice guy I've been out with.
stable, solvent, kind, patient.
My family thinks I'm crazy, they really like him.
And he really likes them.
AM i some kind of fool?
I think I know what I'm doing.
sort of.

but it might be a bit lonely.