a little story

18th August 2005

let me tell you a story from a couple summers ago , it goes like this;

Almost had an asthma attack last night, inhaler wasn't doing anything.
thought to go wash my face, calm down. Came across huge house spider in
hallway. Fled back to room wheezing even worse.
Wedged towel in gap under bedroom door.
Called a friend, calmed down a bit, managed to navigate corridor with
a torch and boots on. Had a drink of water, washed face, navigated
corridor back to bedroom (at high speed) took more Ventolin.
Eventually fell asleep.

Woke in the morning to J playing the Fugees (of all things) Far. Too.
Loud. Banged on door looking bedraggled, made him shut it up (some).
Told him had bad night, explained. He told me he'd come across huge
spider in shower with him this morning (hah, I thought- spider had also been
making way to have a splosh in the bathroom!)
asked 'where spider was now?'
'gone' he says.
'didn't kill it did you?' I ask
'no' he says.
'but it is gone?'
'yes'
' Gone gone?' I check.
'Gone Gone' he assures me.

I flop about for a bit, have a cup of tea then head for shower. Double
check no arachnids lurking (poke shower curtain, check plug hole)
Think 'better have a wee before shower', lift toilet lid, scream, drop
toilet lid.
Unhappy looking spider floating in loo. Panic, flush loo.
Check for spider. Poor spider still there looking up at me
reproachfully. Feel guilty. How could think of flushing poor arachnid?
Try and think. Curse J loudly. Leave bathroom.

Open back door as wide as will go, ensure no obstacles in corridor,
turn on all lights to ensure non trippage.
Return to bathroom wearing rubber gloves, big boots and armed with a garden cane,
(a long one!) a tupperware box and a homebase catalogue.
Placed tupperware into basin. Fish spider out of loo with cane and
deposit him into tupperware. Making sure he's recovering in the bottom
of the box not flailing legs in way, slam catalogue on top.
Try to resume breathing.
Put down cane.
Pick up box ( still wearing gloves) and firmly holding on the
catalogue make my way towards back door . Chanting mantra of 'Am
independant woman, Can handle damp spider, spider is More afraid of me
than I am of him' etc etc.

Proceed to very end of garden, put down box. Do deep breathing
exercises, try not to have next asthma attack. Remove catalogue. Try not to
squeal like inane handbag bint.
Becomes obvious that damp miserable , spider can't climb out of
box. Return to bathroom for garden cane and shove box over to edge of
plant pot, tip box over so spider falls out, but box catches and leans
on plant pot so does not fall and squash him.
Spider sits there panting and giving me the evil eye, try to explain
that it's all J's fault, spider clearly doesn't care for my
explanation and blames me for whole ignoble adventure.
I remove tupperware box and flee, locking backdoor behind me (spider
looks pretty miffed)

Take off protective clothing and find large piece of paper.
leave following message on J's bedroom door;

______________________

J,

could you please NOT
LEAVE DISTRAUGHT HALF
DROWNED SPIDERS
IN THE LOO

thanks
______________________