Realisations

1. When I'm upset and freaking out, maybe in a confrontation or negotiation, I push the other person until they freak out. Then, weirdly, I can relax. I'm not the one out of control anymore.

2. When I reach the quiet place, quiet on the inside , I cut off my emotions. I can watch the other person impassive. No matter how much I usually care for that person I can quite happily watch them becoming distressed , slightly amused even, at the way they lose control.

3. After both of these stages, later, eventually; and let me point out here that this can take some time, in the Captain Oates "I may be some time" way, I eventually realise that I'm numb and that I want to reawaken my emotions. Not in any complex intellectual way, I just want to feel something, feel anything. So I go out and find someone to make me feel, some sordid encounter, that even if enjoyable at the time inevitably leaves me feeling cheap and worthless.


I do this over and over again, only sometimes do I 'wake up' partway through the cycle and realise what's happening. Depending on when I become conscious of what's happening it may not be too late to stop and leave, or calm down and back away... Sometimes I've woken up and found myself in an awkward position that I'm not brave enough to admit I didn't want, many times I've gone through the motions thinking it would be easier than trying to get away. Which just adds to the feelings of worthlessness and pain that is the result.

I've spent so much time in my life trying to wash the feeling off.
If only I could stay out of the cycle I wouldn't end up scrubbing off my skin in an attempt to wash myself clean.