Bean on Board

February totals
Men: 2
Women: 3

people making someone else stand up for me even though they didn't have a seat themselves: 1 (male)

Bean, 20 weeks

Bump on Board

I usually get train-tube-train on my way to work and train-train-tube-train on my way home.
Assuming I don't go anywhere else during the day that's seven opportunities to see how nice people are, not that I'm viewing it as an experiment of any kind and keeping score...

People who stood up so I could sit down in January
men: 2
women: 2

things I'm not allowed to do #1

take my antidepressants
have a hot bath
eat scrambled eggs
eat hummous

technology and communication

last incoming text: 17 hours ago
last incoming call: 23 hours ago
last incoming email: 51 hours ago

Yoghurt and Vegemite if you would good sir, with a spoon.
Yes, please?
With black olives and cucumber on top.

Something Blue

Apparently, ancient Romans wore blue as a symbol of love and fidelity. Why is this relevant I hear you ask? Ah, you see 'girl, interrupted' is presently planning the day when she shall become, 'girl, wedded'. (insert smiling here). Being as how I am not a very traditional or, incidentally, rich girl, my frock is what they euphamistically term (they=my marginally more traditional/mainstream girl friends) 'vintage', and blue. It's not silky or poufy or corsetted either; it looks like a pair of curtains was savagely dispatched in order that their hides could elegantly clothe the female form. Which they do, beautifully.
I was, however, becoming slightly unnerved by every picture of every bride everywhere being in a white frock and followed my natural response (question everything) to google, where I discovered that bridal gowns have only been white since Queen Victoria wore one, everyone else was just copying her. The way people go on you'd think it was decreed by god himself, but no, wedding dresses used to be whatever colour your best dress was, or if you were well monied, a nice virginal blue. Yes that's right, blue.
So.
I shant concern myself with that any more, I have plenty of other things that actually need attending to.

dear j*,

you are inspiring me a lot recently
i want to be brave like you, for you, for me and for the world

lots and lots and lots of love and hugs xxx

this month's therapy revelation

there is not only one right way,
there are many different ways.

wonderings

I have butterflies,
I'm over excited
and terrified

is adoration love?
is love adoration?

How can it be that someone who wants to talk to me,
who wants to have adventures with me,
who thinks weird things I like are weird and cool,
not weird and boring,
can make my heart sing?

I don't quite trust myself,
or the universe.

and all the while
gremlin drip feeds his emotive poison
'chloe' sends me suggestive quotes
sparky asks me to come and play
nemesis wants company

but I've asked 'him' to wait.
and he is.
His resolve is so much stronger than mine
(woah, palpitations)
I haven't waited since I was 15,
I'd never have imagined it could mean so much.

men- mainly distressing creatures,
can any of them be trusted?
is different, different enough?

how can anything that makes me this hopeful not be dangerous?

Brand new (after 18 years)

Should I be concerned that you know where my blog is?
Do I have anything left to hide?

I certainly haven't begun with any half truths, I haven't held anything back.
My fear, my confusion, my remaining frustration and sense of loss- I've shared with you.
I've shared and been astonished that you don't appear perturbed, and haven't fled into the hills.

It's a complicated situation, nobody could deny that, but it's hopeful.
The hope nourishes me, sustains me.
Your hope and acceptance pour balm over the broken places.

I do not feel worthy- I hope I'm wrong.

addendum (ə-ˈden-dəm)

I am blameless for my fathers actions.

( I especially like this one, it tastes much better than a negatively phrased version; ' I am not guilty...' etc. I'm still enjoying saying it out loud!)

being strong

I keep biting my bottom lip in attempt to hold back the tears.
This afternoon I bit it and it gave up and split open.

you tore my heart still beating from my chest
and crushed it under your heel

hadn't you hurt me enough?
you needed to lift my hopes up high, so that you could dash them a thousand metres onto the rocks below? watch them shatter to smithereens?

I've blocked you
I've deleted you
leave me be

I'd want to die, but I refuse to let you destroy me.

bureacracy

Letting agent- you need a guarantor.
umm
we need proof that you are a bone fide person
right ok
and a landlords reference
oooohkaaaay.... (thinks- they suspect me al Qaeda tenant? student teacher of doom tenant?)
My brother will be guarantor, he volunteered
does he own property in the uk
um, no?
well that defeats the purpose of a guarantor
(it does? )
of course we don't check with the land registry
(I bet you don't, it costs 250 squid)
but it'd defeat the object if it wasn't a uk property owner, don't you have parents?
my mum's retired. (well I am nearly thirty years old, that'd have to make my mum fairly mature, right?)
Oh
I'll find someone
We also need proof that your a student
I only just enrolled, I'm not sure what I've got...
Well we need proof, we have to prove that your a bone fide person
(yes I remember that part- they really must think I'm teacher of evil? perhaps secret crack whore?)
I'll sort it out
I'm sure it'll be fine, I'm sure it'll...

I have small fit of extreme rage

Trying to find a guarantor. Seemingly impossible,
not one of my friends is financially stable owner of property.
I end up with my best friend's mum- thank god!
still praying that the paperwork goes through...

Off down to uni (sarf larden)
the student adviser can't help me til they work out what my student status is.
student status is?
I am fully enrolled on a full time course doing one unit
one unit?
less than part time hours, officially full time .
right oh.

office can't help me until they know what my official student status is.
um.
fully enrolled on full time course?
pop round and speak to course director
ok
what is my status? officially?
what would you like it to be?
um...?
full time is fine
back to the office
my status is full time
ok
can I have two letters please, one for the letting agent and one for the bank
no problem
shall I come back tomorrow?
wont take long, you can wait
so I wait, I'm not feels well, so I'm dozy...
here are the letters, they ok?
yus, thank you
now to the bank batgirl!
bank queue, I wait like a patient girl
when the fellow is free he suddenly isn't and I have to wait like a good girl at his desk, I fold my hands in my lap and think little women.
ID please. he wants my bank card.
I've forgotten it, but I know all my details and have alternate photo id
no
can't look at your letter and studentify your account without your bank card
ok, i'll be back before 5pm
4:30
4:30pm??
yuss.
right then
home on the bus
lunch break.
bus back to the bank
I sit patiently like a good girl, I think good thoughts
my turn
hello I have bank card, I have letter
righty oh, he logs in, I wait more
he check letter
I'm sorry madam cannot helps you, letter is incorrect, dates is last year
oh HALP
call uni, please may have new letters? collect tomorrow?
no problem
return home, abject fail.

today I return to uni
cannot obtain access to building.
visit security desk man, would that he were not cute! cannot be arsy with disarming smile man
he fixes card
I obtain access to building and collect new letters
not bad, however of course now bank is closed.

tomorrow more bureaucracy.
see me jump through hoops,
verily fly
twist, turn and cunningly leap
backflipping with astonishing skill

And he said, ‘Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
— Khalil Gibran

thank you for putting this my way- it's very apt this week

dear J
i feel like you're with me
i think of you most everyday
i wish you were here to join in-
sometimes when i think of you i get the most vivid sensation of a bristly kiss-
all randomness and joy,
sweaty and silly and fantastic

i love you always babe xxx

small things that cheer me up

blowing bubbles with gum (only recently possible again:)

making food with friends (especially gremlin, since mr s thinks i am harpy, ooops)

doing 10km on the rowing machine

watching the view from primrose hill

spicy food

my first chocolate in about ten months (booja booja!!!!)

A good relationship is like fireworks: loud, explosive, and liable to maim you if you hold on too long.

-Jeph Jacques

I'm not certain about the 'good' part, but certain that this relationship was fiery, and that perhaps it's a good thing if I concentrate on letting go.

I'm sorry that you think this is a game.

I don't know that I've ever been so hurt. It was almost impossibly hard to see you.
I felt as though you'd torn me inside out. When you left me I didn't even realise you were leaving me. I was in shock for weeks. I still can't stop crying- I just don't do it with everyone watching.
It's been so long since I was open and trusted anyone, but I trusted you. I thought we knew each other. I tried so hard. I wanted things to be ok.The things you said, I believed them all and I really thought things would be ok: you said they would.

I felt that was my only chance to be happy with someone because you accepted me, and I tried real hard to take care of you and show you my feelings. It's been so long, I had begun to have hope. But you left, and I'm really trying hard to cope.

This is not fun. I am not playing.

It's the hardest thing of all for me not to go backward, to be the person I was before, the oblivion is appealing.Self denial is tempting. I want to turn it all off and return to being cold, detached. But I'm trying to hang tight to things I had, things we had, stuff I might've learned. To hold on to the idea that one day it might be possible to be open again. But right now I am impossibly raw, I still can't come to terms with the knowledge that things will not be ok, that we will never be ok.

I can't imagine quite how to stay good, and not to bring down the shutters and close the world out. I want to stay soft and if that makes me vulnerable then I don't care, but it fucking hurts.

I'm sorry I don't live up to expectations, but I am totally broken.